the Porn
Work,
Please
Web Searches
by Conner Banks
Post Manhattan Reporter
September 18, 2010
Post Manhattan Reporter
September 19, 2010
We supposedly have the greatest technology ever, but it never seems to work.
We act like we have superpowers because we have cell phones, DVRs and wireless internet.
But all of those things are based on computers- and computers suck.
My computer crashes.
So does my cable box.
My cell phone drops calls.
My GPS directs me into lakes.
And my iPad won't stream porn.
Porn never works, and it's the only thing I really want out of my computer.
There's always something to
Have you ever tried watching streaming porn on your secretary's laptop?
It's infuriating!
If the wireless loses connection for a second the whole thing stops!
Really!
How am I supposed to finish like that?
I'm a divorced man whose ex-wife just took the desktop, her laptop, my laptop and the television.
So if I want to view some pornography in the privacy of my office, I'd appreciate being able to do it without a crash, virus or interference from a "decency filter" implimented by human resources.
Okay?
The Morning After Post suspended a third of its work force Friday after finding they had been conducting inappropriate web searches on their work computers.
"We're terribly disappointed in them," said Harvey Winton, editor-in-chief, before swigging a bottle of whiskey in front of reporters.
The investigation, conducted by the Post's I.T. department, caught high-profile employees like Chip Foxx, Conner Banks and Lindsey Quinn.
"Fuck you, too," responded veteran reporter Conner Banks.
I.T. opened the investigation after realizing more of the Post's computer archives were filled with pornographic videos and viruses than with old stories.
Some employees repudiated the charges.
"I've never downloaded porn!" insisted Cindy Stopher while being escorted out the building.
I.T. expects the porn and viruses to be cleared up before the suspensions expire.
